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I was pretty shocked when I first learned about sexual assault and rape. I didn’t want to think of it happening to me or someone I know and I had a lot of questions about what was actually considered assault.

So here’s the deal, sexual assault is any sexual activity you don’t want, by anyone. It doesn’t matter if it’s someone you know or not. It can be something as simple as someone touching you where you don’t want them to, or something as involved as forcing you to have sex with them against your will. Assault can be if someone makes you look at or be a part of pornography (porn/video taping sexual acts) or prostitution (taking money for sex).

Another thing I learned is that it’s sexual assault when someone can’t agree to any type of sexual activity because he/she is drunk, high or asleep, or is too disabled or too young to give their permission. It’s still considered sexual assault if you agree to do something and then change your mind – if they don’t stop, it’s assault.

Rape is one kind of sexual assault and happens when someone’s body part or an object enters another person’s mouth, butt (anus) or vagina against their will.
I read that sexual assault usually happens because someone wants to have power and control over someone else. I think it’s important for everyone to understand the truth about sexual assault, so you can know when it’s happening to you or someone you know.

These are some of the questions I had or have heard from other people. Maybe you or someone you know has had the same questions or ones like them.

“Can it be rape or sexual assault if it was someone who I know?”
Actually, most rape and sexual assault is by someone the person knows. Sometimes it’s someone the person knows really well—maybe even a family member. No one, no matter how well they know you, has the right to sexually abuse you ever.

“Isn’t it my responsibility to satisfy my partner sexually?”
I’ve heard this a lot. No one should have to do something sexual they don’t want to. Even though people have different ideas about what a good relationship is, no one ever has a right to force sex or sexual activity on anyone else.

“What if I was drunk?”
Unwanted sexual behavior can still be considered sexual assault even when someone has been drinking alcohol. Sexual assault can happen when you are too drunk or high to give your permission for sex and someone else disrespects your right to decide what happens to your body. It’s each person’s job to make sure the other person is really saying yes to any kind of sexual activity.

“What if I was dressed really sexy?”
Dressing sexy is not an invitation for someone to disrespect you or touch you inappropriately. Your choice of clothing does not say that it is okay for sexual activity to happen.

You always have the right to say no… even if things have already started with your consent. Something may seem okay to you at first, but it’s also okay to stop if it’s weird or stops feeling okay. If you decide at any time you want to stop, the person you are with must respect your wishes and stop, or it becomes a case of sexual assault.

If you've been sexually assaulted.
It’s important to understand that it’s not your fault and nothing you did or didn’t do could make it your fault. It’s okay to feel scared, confused, vulnerable, shocked, ashamed, or guilty—these feelings do not mean you’re weak. There are some things you can do to take care of yourself after an assault:

A really nice sexual assault counselor came to our school to talk to us about rape and sexual assault. She gave us some really good advice about what to do and where to go if we think we may have been sexually assaulted.

Go to a safe place, like a friend’s or family member’s home, hospital or police station.
Call a rape crisis center hotline. A trained counselor can talk to you about what happened, your options, and even go to the hospital with you if you want. Click here for a list of rape crisis centers in Massachusetts.
Go to a hospital as soon as possible. At the hospital you can be checked out and treated for any injury or infection. If you want to, the hospital can also collect evidence about the assault. You can have evidence collected now, even if you aren’t sure whether you want to report the assault to the police.
Try not to clean up or change clothes before you get to the hospital. This can make it easier to find evidence from your abuser. If you have already washed or changed, though, it may still be possible to find some evidence.
Call your local police or 911 if you want to report the assault. If you don’t want to make the call yourself, hospital staff can make it for you.
And the most important thing, remember that what you choose to do after a sexual assault happens is completely up to you. You can choose to do all or none of these things. And you can choose to stop or change your plan at any time.

Some information about confidentiality:

You should know that if someone is under the age of 18, they are legally still a "minor." Many adults, such as teachers, counselors, health care providers, and social workers are required by law to report any abuse that happens to a minor. That includes sexual assault or rape.

Sexual abuse, sexual assault and rape are crimes. You can report this crime - or find an adult who will help report it for you. If you go to a hospital to get help after a rape or assault, someone at the hospital (such as a nurse) will make the report.

But remember, you can call a rape crisis center or the Sexual Health Helpline and speak to a counselor anonymously. You don't have to give your real name or your age. If you or a friend have experienced sexual assault or rape and want to talk through your options, including whether or not you want to report it, the counselors can help you think about what you want to do.

If you are the survivor of a sexual assault in Massachusetts and need information or someone to talk to, please check out the resources I’ve put together so you can find a rape crisis center near you:

If you are anywhere else in the US, you can contact RAINN- the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (www.rainn.org) - at (800) 656-HOPE (800) 656-4673. They can offer you support and reassurance, as well as help you to connect with a rape crisis center near you.

We all have limits about what’s okay with us and what isn’t. Everyone has their own limits when it comes to touching. Some people like to hug or get a kiss when they are saying hi to a friend or someone they know. Other people would rather just shake someone’s hand or smile. What is okay for one person may not be okay for someone else.

You always have the right to say what is best for you and your body. If you are not comfortable with a certain kind of touching, it is your right to say so, no matter who’s touching you.

So, for example, it might be okay for you if a boyfriend, girlfriend or some one you’re dating touches your butt, but if you’re not comfortable with them doing it, you have a right to tell them to stop and they should respect that. If they don’t stop, this is sexual assault. Even if someone else, like a co-worker, classmate or stranger touches you in a way you don’t want them to, that could be considered sexual assault.

There are some people who touch inappropriately and try to make it seem like they’re doing it to be funny or that it’s no big deal. They might act hurt if you tell them to stop (like the creepy manager I had at the store I worked at who would insist on hugging me every time he saw me – and those hugs lasted just a little too long). That’s their problem. If they really care for you, they won’t want you to be uncomfortable. This can be tough for anyone, but especially if you’ve never dealt with it before. It can be hard or scary to tell someone “no” if they touch you in a way that is inappropriate or makes you feel weird. And, depending on your age, you may have extra protections that the law has made for situations like this.

One type of sexual assault is forced sex. Forced sex happens when a person physically forces him or herself on you. It can also mean someone tricking, threatening, or pushing you into having sex when you don’t want to. If you feel like you have to have sex because a person says they will hurt you or someone you love, or threatens you with something like getting you fired or lowering your grade, that can also be considered forced sex.

Forced sex can happen with anyone, including strangers, people you know but aren’t close to, and boyfriends and girlfriends. It can happen in straight, gay, or lesbian relationships to girls, guys, or people who are transgender (a person whose gender identity is different than their biological sex). Some people think (and people who abuse, sometimes tell the person they are abusing) that they have a right to sex because they are in a relationship with someone. They might make their partners have sex with them when the other person doesn’t want to, or is unable to say one way or the other (like if they’re passed out or asleep). That’s not okay. If it’s against your will, it’s sexual assault, no matter what type of relationship they have with you.

Your partner must respect when you are not willing to engage in sex or sexual activities.

And yet, so many people believe (and attackers sometimes tell the person they assault) that they have a right to do that because of the relationship. Unfortunately, many of these situations go unreported because people do not know that they are protected from this by law.

Your relationship partner must respect when you do not want to have sex or participate in sexual activities, or legal action can be taken against him or her.

Sometimes after you’ve had sex, you may feel like you did it for reasons other than actually wanting to do it. If someone convinces you to do something you wouldn’t normally do using threats, bribes, or even getting you drunk or high, this is called coercion. Sexual coercion is sexual assault, because it means you were unfairly manipulated into doing it.

You have the right to take action after being coerced into doing something you didn't want to do.

People who have been victims often feel ashamed and guilty about what happened. If they were talked into having sex or forced into it, they may think no one will believe them. This is not true. Manipulation is not okay and it’s also considered abuse, and there are people who will listen and help. For more information about coercion, and your options after a sexual assault, check out the following resources in our resource section.

dating violence and relationship violence

Another type of violence that I think is important to talk about is dating violence, which is sometimes called relationship or domestic violence. No matter what you call it, violence in any relationship is not okay.

Don’t get me wrong, couples do argue sometimes (if you don’t believe me ask Kim and Thomas), but if your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing anything to make you feel afraid, threatened or controlled (I listed some examples below in the Domestic Violence section), you may be in an abusive relationship.

If you think you might be experiencing violence in a relationship, or if you are worried about a friend, help is available. Talk to someone who can help you find the support you need. An expert on teen dating violence can help you (or a friend) understand the options that are available for teens faced with a controlling or abusive relationship. You can also get expert help by contacting the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at (866) 331-9474 or (TTY) (866) 331-8453. Their website, called "Love is Respect", has a lot of information and referrals on this issue. Visit Site

Domestic violence is emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse that happens between people who have had a dating, intimate/sexual or family relationship now or at any time in the past. It can happen in both gay and straight relationships. It can happen to people in long-term relationships or who only date casually every once in a while or have only dated once. It can include people who live together and people who don’t. Just to be really clear here, dating violence is in fact, domestic violence. Some people think that domestic violence can only happen to adults if they’re married or living together, but it can happen to anyone no matter what age. If someone does something to control you, put you down, or hurt you, it’s violence and it’s not okay. And because dating violence is considered domestic violence, all the laws that apply to and protect adults also apply to you.

A lot of people do not report this abuse for a lot of different reasons. But even if it isn’t reported, it’s against the law. People being hurt or controlled in a relationship have a right to ask for help.

Some examples of domestic and dating violence (but not the only examples) are:

Physical abuse including pinching, hitting, pulling hair, slapping or anything that hurts your body.
Verbal abuse including name-calling, insults, and purposefully saying things in front of other people that hurt or embarrass you.
Controlling behavior like saying what you can or can’t wear, being extremely jealous or possessive, keeping you away from your friends or family, controlling who you see or what you do, or calling, IMing, or texting you constantly to find out where you are, what you’re doing and who you’re with.
Sexual assault including touching you when you don’t wish to be touched, touching you in places that you don’t want to be touched, not listening when you say no to sex, or forcing you to do sexual things that you do not want to do.
Emotional abuse, such as threatening to kill you or your family members, friends or pets, threatening to commit suicide, acting like the abuse is your fault or that it’s no big deal, or simply denying that abuse is happening.

I was shocked to learn how often extreme cases of domestic violence can end in death. If you or someone else that you know is a victim of violence in a relationship, it may be hard to ask someone for help, but getting support is one of the best things you can do for yourself.

Domestic violence can be really intense and sometimes it’s hard to see that you’re in a violent or controlling situation. If you think you might be, try talking to a close friend or family member that you trust – someone who can be there for you if you need their support. If you feel like you have nobody to talk to, there are resources that can help.

If you or someone you know is dealing with violence in a relationship, call Massachusetts’ SafeLink at (877) 785-2020. TTY callers, dial (877) 521-2601. You can also call the National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline at (866) 331-9474. TTY callers, dial (866) 331-8453.

You know, sometimes, fear, shame, or pride may make it hard for us to admit that we need help. It takes strength to ask for support when we need it. There’s no reason for you to deal with this by yourself…don’t be afraid to reach out to someone who can help you.

If you feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to, and trust me, you aren’t the only one here, there are people who can help. Rape crisis centers and other groups give free help to people who have gone through domestic violence or sexual assault. These places have people who can listen and support you and give information without prejudice or judgment. They can help you to set up a plan of action to help you get back on your feet as a survivor.

Want more info? Here are some more helpful resources, click here.

It’s hard to admit that you’re being abusive. Some people don’t know that what they’re doing can be considered abuse or don’t know how to stop. If you think you’re being abusive, help is available at www.masoc.net or www.stopitnow.org. You can also check out the Department of Public Health's Batterer Intervention Services.